emilly | 19 | la, ca
Self-Harm
Have you ever had innocent cuts on your arm that made people wonder if you’ve self harmed? They often seem to ask questions such as, “Who’d you do it for?” “Why would let a boy/girl effect you this much?” “Does attention matter that much to you?” “Do you not care about anyone but yourself?” “You’re so selfish.” “You’re such a coward.” “Are you trying to shame your family?” “Who are you trying to get in trouble and what for?”
If you’ve actually self harmed, it’s even worse because it makes you start to wonder if you’re all those things that people are making you out to be. You wonder if you’re selfish and immature and if the only thing you see in this world is you. You’ve been in a shell of self loathing and dysphoria for so long that you continuously want to hit yourself and make yourself “wake up”. But, you’re not even asleep or dreaming. You’re not in a “curable state”. You’re legitimately wounded and distressed. It’s not that hard to grasp. But, when your idea of the world is clouded by hundreds and thousands of disabilities and biases, it’s probably hard to see through them and look at a person as an individual.
So, let’s begin with depression, suicidal tendencies, societal pressures and various other factors that lead to self harming tendencies and habits and how they are perceived by society.
Humans consider them the most supreme creatures of all and even though they claim to believe in God or similar superior powers, they give them human-like features to satisfy their own urge to feel godly and all powerful. Thus, when they are faced with the fact that their mind functions on its own subconscious levels and there are parts of themselves that they absolutely cannot control, their panic knows no bounds and they are ready to disregard any mental illness
Therefore, when people are pushed to the brink of their sanity, driven to an edge where they hang by the sole mercy of a lone thread, people take it as some kind of a scream for attention. They are so unwilling to believe that people can lose control over themselves and still be fully functioning human beings. They can only perceive one dimensional character and thus, this sort of behavior can only be someone’s cunning plan to become popular or gain some sort of notoriety.
But, let’s not dwell on it that any longer. Let’s think of the after effects of this push. Anyone who’s been going through the same problem for years together or maybe many different problems that have piled on, only to push them over that edge, what is it like inside their head? How do they function in a society that demands perfection and then rejects and insults the perfection they demanded?
To be honest, it’s never the same way twice. It’s never exactly as messy or as clean as it had been before. It’s never as noisy or as radio silent as it was even in the space of a few seconds. If you’ve been having a good day and the mirror or your pictures have been looking particularly beautiful to you, that night, your thoughts pull you down into this drain of self loathing. Your mere self appreciation is transformed into self loathing and vanity by your anxiety and dysmorphia. You start to mock yourself and then comes the rapid episode of self harm.
Even self harm has various dimensions. Sometimes, it’s just the way you view yourself. You look in the mirror and you think, Why was I born this way? You even resort to self mockery, asking yourself what you ever thought was beautiful about you. You tear yourself down until you imagine scenarios in which you never existed and everyone seems to be better off without you. At the end of it, you just end up seeing yourself as a burden, a burden that you’ve inflicted upon the world. Such a self image can only lead you to do things bad and then worse. They lead you to lie and steal and run away and hide and crawl into a corner and cry through the night.
Many of us don’t physically self harm, because of the fear of society and those of us who do, well, we’ve been pushed down to a new low. Perhaps at this point, you can’t even bear to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a wave of disappointment, guilt and cowardice. Your eyes are clouded by intense self loathing and an image of yourself as almost an “object” that doesn’t deserve to be around. I have repeatedly heard of people cutting themselves until they felt like they finally suffered the pain that, in their mind, they deserved. But, cutting isn’t all that people do. There are those who’ve burned themselves, lashed themselves with belts and cut off limbs because of the dysmorphia that they face.
But, they’re all just looking for attention or doing it for someone who doesn’t love them back? I highly doubt it. There are a few who do such things because of people who’ve denied them but does that make it okay for anyone to mock them? No, it doesn’t. It never will be okay. Why assume? Why judge other based on something that you’ve seen, for less than two minutes? You make your own assumptions, laugh at them inside your head or maybe to their face, pull them even further down and for what? Your own personal entertainment, your lack of understanding or your ignorance or perhaps, your insecurities have lead you to feel this way.
I strongly believe that one day, we will be educated enough to understand that this sort of Ableism and its irrational and painful consequences. But, haven’t we all heard that before? We shall overcome someday. That someday has rarely ever become an actuality for anyone who truly needed it. We’ve all been waiting for it but never worked for it. We’ve all had friends who’ve suffered from depression and rather than try to help them, we’ve brushed them aside and reduced them to pathetic morsels that don’t have a life or are just attention seeking “losers”. How many times have we ever really sympathized or even offered some love or a shoulder to cry on or an opportunity to relieve themselves of all that they’ve been bottling in? Most of us have never ever done it.
There are people who’ve been harming themselves for so long that it has become a sort of shelter they hide under and the only way that they can feel normal. It’s a behavioral pattern that they’ve learned and it’s ingrained so deep into their skin, literally, that they can’t let go of it. They stop and then relapse and then stop and relapse and it becomes a continuous and vicious cycle. It’s an addiction, a protective layer that they believe shields them from them outside world. It becomes an escape, a morbidly “beautiful” secret that they’ve managed to keep hidden from the rest of the world. Most of us take refuge in a cup of hot cocoa on a rainy or snowy day, others drink a hot cup of chamomile tea to calm their nerves before a difficult exam or during a tough phase of their lives but those of us who’ve been “corrupted” by the feeling of flowing blood and the beauty of scabs, or maybe the beauty of burnt skin or lash marks, are the ones who face backlash and are condemned.
Why can’t we get help? Why can’t we get sympathy? Is it all that difficult? In my opinion, it isn’t but then again, I guess, it’s because I’ve experienced the pain and have thus advanced. I will never be one to tell people that they should just stop being depressed. That sounds dumber than the water under the Golden Gate Bridge can’t be THAT cold.
I may come off as sarcastic and condescending, perhaps I’m being either or both of the aforementioned. To be honest, it’s only because I’m exasperated. It’s only because my scars, my struggles, my repeated battles with everything around me have become a topic for other people to talk about or mock me through. They talk about me like I’m the plague or the Anti Christ. I’ve done no wrong, I’ve just been unable to defeat what has plagued me and although, I’ve been bottling it up, I don’t think I’m the only one who can be blamed in this situation. However, please, don’t misread this as an attempt to defend myself against my misbehavior or generally bad conduct and sarcastic nature.
All I have to say is, at this point of time, if you have nothing genuine or heartfelt to offer to someone who’s suffering from a mental illness or are being tortured by something that they can’t reveal or overcome, don’t say anything or discuss anything about them or to them or with them. That’s the best thing you can offer. But, if you are genuinely concerned and have it in you to help these souls out or just be a shoulder to cry on or a handkerchief for their mucus and/or blood, then do it. Even if you do it for one year, one month, one week, one day or an hour, just support them, with all you have. Gestures like these can be the biggest milestones and persuasions for a person’s recovery.
M.D. (Unspoken Thoughts of May 2016)
Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #304
05/11/2016
7:30 am
(via littleteenagethings)
(via littleteenagethings)
And I remember one day, you told me you knew you needed to try to be more loving towards me. I chuckled at the fact that it was so hard to you. A year later, he doesn’t have to try. It comes naturally.
(via her-depression)
I thought it couldn’t get any worse.
But then again that’s what I thought.
And I always think wrong.
Do I really mean that little to you? Am I really worth nothing and am that unimportant. I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel
(via kissedby-suicide)
And someday,
I hope that my sadness will be replace by
Something beautiful.
